The revolutionary dry cracker and boiled water diet

Despite making a promise to myself that I would never embark on another diet, I have this week engaged in severe voluntary caloric restriction. With the help of some mutant alien gut flora that have set up residence in my gastrointestinal tract, I have rediscovered the joys of depriving myself, for my own good, and just wanted to share this new-found revolutionary zeal with you, gentle reader.

I call it the Dry Cracker and Boiled Water Diet, and this is how you do it:

Preparation: Check with your doctor that you are a suitable candidate for this diet. Ideally, call him out at 2 o'clock in the morning to confirm this.

Day 1: Let nothing pass your lips, unless it is travelling in reverse direction. One exception, during any periods of semi-consciousness, you are permitted to sip some boiled and cooled water to maintain fluids. Don't overdo it though - most of the weight loss you can expect whilst doing this diet will be due to severe dehydration.

Day 2: You may nibble on up to three dry crackers, no seasoning, nuts, seeds, or spreads. If necessary, wash down with a few more sips of boiled water. Sleep as much as possible during the day.

Later, a family member informs you that apple is allowed on this diet. Slice up a small apple and eat one per day. An apple will never have tasted so good! If you are too weak to slice up your own apple, a friend or loved one is allowed to help out. In the evening, even if it is your husband's birthday and you have cancelled all other plans, do NOT eat any of his pepperoni pizza. You will only regret your moment of weakness later.

Day 3: After the zeal of the first couple of days, hunger is starting to kick in. Slice up an apple and enjoy. Half a tablespoon of honey may be added to the apple if you are feeling adventurous. If this doesn't satisfy you, you may eat up to two dry crackers. The crippling abdominal cramps you are experiencing are a sign that the diet is working. Revel in your discipline. You should be proud of these positive changes you are making for your health.

By evening, you will be craving sweet stuff. You want a mouthful of the 'chocolate lumpy bumpy' that came with the pepperoni pizza. Succumb. Oddly, you will not enjoy it. If you are still a compulsive dieter, eat the rest of it anyway. If you have already made peace with food and your body, you may stop after one bite. Repeat this process with a cup of tea. Pay dearly for going off your diet early. Your mutant alien gut flora will thank you for this windfall. Your nearest and dearest will not. Besides, you will certainly not get results if you don't even have the willpower to see out the first week! Pull yourself together - back on the dry crackers and boiled water for you!

Day 4: Take some overseas guests for an Indian meal. Look on smugly as they tuck into their butter chicken and think about how much healthier you are than them while you enjoy your boiled rice and dry naan bread.

Remember to weigh yourself at least once a day so you can see how well you are doing. So far, I have lost 5 pounds doing this diet for just 4 days. As I am now 5 pounds thinner than I was at the start of the diet, I can only imagine how much healthier I must be. In fact, I don't even like to call it a diet. This is a lifestyle change for me, a whole new way of eating.

Just think, if you are 'overweight' and therefore at higher risk of, well, nothing really, you could lose nearly three stone in just one month!! And if you are seriously morbidly culturally unacceptable, you could be NORMAL again in less than a year. Plus, if you add ridiculous amounts of exercise to your crackers and apples the results will be even more astounding!!

This incredible plan would normally cost $695!! But today I am going to share it with you absolutely free of charge. That's a $695 value completely free. So what are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose but the prejudice of morons. Simply come round to my house, let me breathe on you, and then we can all embark on this incredibly healthy lifestyle change together!

Disclaimer: Just in case you came to this blog by accident and are unfamiliar with my stance on dieting/weight/health, and just in case there is even the tiniest bit of doubt in your mind about the seriousness of this post, let me be perfectly clear - this is satirical. I do not mean it!! This 'diet' will not help with any health problems other than severe stomach flu. Just in case you are congenitally stupid and are seriously considering it anyway, let me perfectly clear - believe me when I say that your weight is not your problem. Please seek out professional help!